Enduring Spark

Here we are again.

It's helping time.

As we go about our lives, it's very easy to think that we don't make a difference. We can do things that we think have no effect on anybody but ourselves, and not realise what we might mean to others. Some of us never find out what influence we have on others, especially those outside the circles we'd expect the words to come from.

Even in my darkest moments, I never lost my humour. I've been very fortunate to be able to make witty remarks about all manner of things, as though somebody was feeding me lines. I've also been fortunate to be able to construct my thoughts in writing without too much effort, once I let go of my need to be more-than-perfect with everything I said. Now, rather than this just being me talking great about myself, I wish to make it clear that this does have a point.

For a great part of my life, when I was suffering on the inside, I would do my best to hide it. The brave facade, the great act, the all-for-show. I did all that. I've been part of a few different communities on the internet through my younger years, either related to role-playing or movie-making (of sorts), and the one thing that humbled me were the times I'd presented myself in such a way, that others saw me as their yardstick - that because I'd successfully hidden my troubles, they saw only the fruits of my pains, and what I did as something to aspire to.

It hits you hard. There I was, down on myself, yet there were some that wanted to be more like me at a time when I didn't want to be anything like me. It didn't make sense to me, but it was the first little tip that every one of us has something to offer, even if we don't realise it. Just as the person that believes themselves the greatest is often wrong, the one that discounts their own merits is just as wrong.

Any talent aside though, there is something else you can do better than anybody else. Be you.

It was during a particularly self-deprecating period of my life that I realised my poor self-esteem wasn't just affecting me, but others too. When you don't value yourself, you might be reactionary in your relationships, confessing attraction on one day, and changing pursuit on another. It's the search for external validation of ourselves that's so ever-present, believing that friendship or a relationship might give us that boost we sorely desire, and reinforce the notion that we are worth something.

This is a harmful course, but not for the reasons you think.

It's never a great idea to put the stock of your happiness into people. They are unreliable, and will let you down. Think about yourself. How often do you have inexplicably bad moods? You at least KNOW when your mood changes - you don't know that about other people. There are other things that you can draw on when you feel weaker, but sometimes you might need to just let somebody know that you're having difficulty coping. If a friend asks if you're okay, sometimes you need to just be honest and say that no, you are not.

What my point was though, is that if you do not value yourself when others do, your indecisiveness could be seen to them as your saying that you don't think they're special. It may be that you think it's fine, because they're not missing out on anything if you leave them alone, but it doesn't come across quite that way.

This is something I still struggle with at times. I'm lucky in that I've made good friends though, and at different points in my life, they tell me how good of a person they think I am, yet there are still too many days where I think I don't measure up to what I should be.

If you don't have people that will tell you how great your nature is (and at the time I didn't), don't fret. You can still persist. The clearest, most unambiguous step is to give your time and attention to people freely, treating them as actual people, and not as a way station that comes before better things.

In case you might be wondering, the quotes I'm currently using are my own - various facebook statuses, tweets, or other random quotes I've come up with. I'm also doing this because I know how dark the world can be, but also how bright. I myself am far from perfect, but I think my heart is in the right place. That's how it starts.